Football season is once again upon us and before long the hours of leisure time we enjoyed in the summer will be just a foggy memory in our beer soaked brains. No more sitting around on the deck watching the sun make it’s way across the sky. You, like all football fans, have a busy no-time-to-waste schedule.
There are fantasy football teams and leagues to manage, bookies to call, knockout pools to enter, tailgates to plan, games to go to, games to watch on TV, talk shows to call, hangovers to nurse, and Twitter feeds to populate and moderate.
In the spirit of that last one let me offer up a handy, easy to use template that will save you so much time this year you will not be able to live without it in the future.
This can be used to respond to any NFL writer, broadcaster, pundit, or know it all. For my example I’ll use my favorite NFL writer Mike Silver who after a monster career at Sports Illustrated, and a half dozen years at Yahoo, is now ensconced at NFL.com.
Like many NFL writers Mr. Silver is occasionally called on to make predictions regarding games, seasons, global warming, and which NFL player is most likely to rob a liquor store. It’s not an easy task and leads to ceaseless whining after any prediction is posted by aggrieved fans convinced that he is OUT to GET their favorite team.
Rather than work yourself into a lather each time you’re offended by (or for that matter enjoy) one of Mike’s predictions, just use this handy tool to whip up a quick response that allows you to tell the world how you feel while not taking valuable time away from pondering which WR to start in this week’s fantasy game.
First you need to establish just whose side of the argument you’re on. Here’s how to do that:
@Mikesilver you are (pick one)
A. an idiot. (uses 29 characters)
B. a genius. (also uses 29 characters)
Now, you’ve clearly established whether you think Mike is an idiot or a genius. Congratulations, you’re ready for step two.
You said (pick one)
A. my favorite team (uses 16 characters for a total of 45)
B. the team I hate (uses 15 characters for a total of 44)
C. my favorite player (uses 18 characters for a total of 47)
D. the player I hate (uses 17 characters for a total of 46)
This doesn’t cover every possible variation of Mike being an idiot or a genius but should be good in about 95 percent of the cases. OK! Now it’s on to step 3, which gets a little tricky.
IF you selected “A” or “B” from section two then choose ONE from the following
A. is going to win this week by 73 points. (40 characters for a total of either 84 or 85)
B. is going to lose this week by 12 touchdowns. (45 characters-for a total of either 89 or 90)
IF you selected “C” or “D” from section two then choose ONE from the following
A. is going to the Pro Bowl. (25 characters for a total of 72 or 73
B. is going to be released. (25 characters for a total of 72 or 73)
C. is a sociopath. (15 characters for a total of 61 or 62)
OK…nice work! Almost done. Now it’s time to say good-bye. Here goes:
A. hate you and Cal sucks. (25 characters for a total of 86, 87, 97, 98, 108, 109, 113, or 114
B. love you and Go Bears. (24 characters for a total of 85, 86, 96, 97, 107, 108, 112, or 113)
See? Wasn’t that fun and easy? And depending on which combination you choose you still have between 26 and 54 letters left for some hash tag magic. OR you can use your extra letters to personalize your tweet with the name of your favorite team/player or the name of the player you love or despise.
Feel free to print this handy guide out and keep it with you at all times this football season. It’s a real time saver!